Different is Good.

I got to watch a movie in my Family Relations class this last week, called "Men, Women, and the Sex Difference" by John Stossel. First of all, I love learning about the differences of men and women, and why those differences occur. In the movie, however, G. Steinham made a comment that "We badly need to raise our boys more like our girls." G. Steinham seemed like an interesting lady... And this comment is definitely interesting. What I want to know is... What? Okay, that's not all I would like to know, but I just feel like this comment was pretty silly, and I would have to disagree.

Men and women are obviously different. Women tend to be more compassionate, expressive, and relationship oriented and men tend to be more tough, aggressive, and task and spatially oriented (notice I said they tend to have these different qualities - there are obviously exceptions and variations on both sides). In the video, a few couples talked about how they tried to raise their children equally, without veering their children of either sex towards any sex specific toy or sex specific action, but there were still differences between males and females. The males, no matter what toy they were given, would usually end up making some kind of gun and rough housing, and the girls would usually end up nurturing the toy like it was a baby. These differences come from biology and from society. There are obvious differences between men and women biologically. Men have high levels of testosterone, which causes many of the manly qualities, and studies have shown that girls with higher levels of testosterone tend to display more of those 'manly' qualities than girls with lower levels of testosterone. Another physical difference is that girls have more white matter in their brains, which is connective tissue from their speech to emotion centers, than men do. Girls also begin mimicking speech at a younger age.

These differences in men and women (and I just named a couple) are not a bad thing, and I believe they actually improve society. I think it is silly how people are trying to make women and men "equal" in today's society, mostly by trying to make them the same. Men and women are not the same, biologically and in the way they are raised by their families and by society. Studies have shown the ratios of men to women working in certain careers, and when men dominate one career certain people think that it is sexist and that women should be able to have those careers because they are  "equal" to men, and the same vise versa. However, because of the innate differences between men and women, I believe that they are both attracted to different types of jobs. We aren't being sexist because there are more men who fight fires. They are simply more suited for the job. We aren't being sexist because more women perform secretarial duties. It is simply that they are more attracted to that kind of profession than men are. I think it is useless to try to make men and women "equal" by making them the "same." We are different, and that is a good thing. It is good to embrace our differences and to work together to make sure everything gets accomplished in our society.

We also see these differences in the family. Men are usually the bread-winners of the family, and women usually are the care-takers. Some people think that this is wrong and that it proves that women are not equal to men. However, a marriage should be between a man and woman, who are equal partners, and who each have different qualities to offer to the marriage. Each quality strengthens the other partner. These differences that men and women offer to their marriage are good because they complement each other and unify the couple and help them become one entity, one unit. The Savior has every good quality, and the fact that men and women offer differences to the marriage is divine. It is so we can strive to become more like him together, as a couple.

So, different is not bad. Men and women offer different qualities to the family and to society, and that is the way it should be.

*Stand Up*

I read an article this week by Elder Oaks called "Truth and Tolerance" from a talk he gave September 11, 2011. In this article he talks about what truth is and what tolerance is, and the balance of the two. We believe in absolute truth and in being willing to receive all truth, no matter the source. If it's true, it's true. We also believe in being tolerant to others and their beliefs. Being tolerant to others means being friendly and fair to different opinions and different people. We should be respectful of others, which can be difficult at times, but it is the right thing to do. We must learn to live with differences between people, because differences are real. We can't expect others to share every single one of our beliefs and to have all our same traditions, that would just be silly, and think about it, our world would be an incredibly dull place. However, while we should be tolerant of others, we can't use that as an excuse to stray from our beliefs. We must stand for what we know to be the absolute truth. Elder Oaks says,

     "Our tolerance and respect for others and their beliefs does not cause us to abandon our commitment to the truths we understand and the covenants we have made... We are cast as combatants in the war between truth and error.  There is no middle ground.  We must stand up for truth, even while we practice tolerance and respect for beliefs and ideas different from our own and for the people who hold them."

There is probably no harder thing than to stand up for what we know to be right, especially when the people around us are screaming for us to follow them in their ways. We can disagree politely and not make a huge deal out of the situation, but also not bend our principles. President Oaks quotes Gordon B. Hinckley in his talk, when he says,

     “Let us reach out to those in our community who are not of our faith.  Let us be good neighbors, kind and generous and gracious.  Let us be involved in good community causes.  There may be situations, there will be situations, where, with serious moral issues involved, we cannot bend on matters of principle.  But in such instances we can politely disagree without being disagreeable.  We can acknowledge the sincerity of those whose positions we cannot accept.  We can speak of principles rather than personalities.”

In my International Pakistan class, my teacher told me a story of a Christian boy who moved to college for his first semester. He was excited, but nervous to be moving to the unknown. After his first couple days in his dorm, some of his neighbors got all the boys living their together for an "initiation." The initiation, in order to be a "part" of the dorm, and to prove their manhood, they were supposed to take a smoke from a bong, then pass it on to the next person. The boy didn't want to, but in order to not make a scene, he quickly took one puff, then passed it on, choking. Life then continued, and he finished his first semester.

The next semester at the college, the boys in his dorm had the initiation ceremony once again. They began passing the bong around the circle of boys, and as it got closer and closer to this Christian boy, he made a decision. He decided once again not to make a scene, but this time instead of taking the smoke, he quickly and quietly passed it on to the next boy. Then the next boy quietly passed it on to the next boy without taking a puff. The next boy did the same thing. Miraculously, every single boy that followed the Christian boy passed the bong along without using it. Then the initiation was over, and the leaders of the ceremony didn't say a word.

This one Christian boy stood up for what he knew to be right. He didn't make a scene out of it, he didn't try to force his beliefs on others, he simply stood up for his beliefs quietly, and the other boys followed suit. I don't think we realize the respect that others will have for us when we do what is right, but we must make the decision today what we will decide in those situations. We can do it, and we will be glad when we do.

Rules and Roles

Have you ever gone to a party with one group of friends, then gone to another party with a different group of friends, and you acted completely different at the second party than at the first? Have you ever met someone, and not been quite comfortable in the situation you were in, then every time you see that person you get the same uncomfortable feeling, like you can't open up and be yourself ever since that first time you met? I feel like most people have had both of these experiences. We all play different roles in our different areas of life. We act differently at church than we do at home with our families. We may act different at school than we do in the grocery store. We don't necessarily change personalities or who we are; we simply change roles.

When I would experience this as a high schooler, I used to wonder if maybe I was being fake in one situation, or if I wasn't being true to myself all the time, or if I even had any idea who I was or who I wanted to be. That may have been a little more true then, but the truth of the matter is, I was playing different roles depending on what I felt was expected of me in different situations, and that is still happening in my life. It happens in everyone's lives. This is a little phenomenon we like to call Homeostasis. It's when we play certain roles depending on what is expected of us, and those roles usually stay the same in the different circumstances.

Going along with that, the way that I act also keeps others in their certain roles; the way I treat people makes them respond in a certain way, which makes me keep treating them the same way I already had been. Our expectations of each other are pretty set, and that keeps the response circle going. Isn't that interesting? This explains so much about my life.

When I think about my life now, a lot of my roles in different places are the same. I usually play the part of the happy-go-lucky kind of girl that laughs easily and that wants to meet more people. The more the merrier. I feel like those are the expectations I have set up for myself, and that I have caused others to expect from me. However, in high school I was much more shy, unless I was comfortable with the people I was around. When I was in a more reserved mood and I met someone, every time after that that I saw them, I would revert back to my shy, quiet little girl self. And, on the flip side, if I met someone when I felt more confident and crazy, it was easy for me to be that person the next time I saw them. It all depended on what I expected them to expect, and what they did expect. When they met me, I was shy, so they treated me like I was shy. It goes in a circular motion and it's hard to break out of. In my classes at college, if I start the semester off not really talking to anyone, I usually end the semester in that one class not talking to anyone. Then in my next class, it is a different environment with different people, and I play a different role in that class, like maybe the class clown. I'm not changing who I am, I'm changing roles.

This is so apparent in families. In my family, we each have a role. We expect certain things of each other, and this encourages more of the same behavior from each member, whether it is positive or negative. Let's play a little game called, Try and Change Your Role. See how your family members treat you or respond to you in order to keep you playing your normal role. It's not a conscious thing, but it will happen. Play around with it, have some fun. Things could get interesting.

Why Are We Here?

In my Family Relations class, we are talking about the trends of marriage today. A lot of things have changed, including peoples' views about marriage, from even just ten years ago: people are marrying at later ages, there is more cohabitation occurring, more people are living alone, there are more unwed births and premarital sex, and the household sizes are decreasing. All these trends seem to be interrelated with each other; I believe that families are crucial to society, and these trends are proving that many people are not putting as high a priority to having families. 

I believe we are on this earth to have families. President Kimball gave a great quote on the matter. He says:

 "You did not come on earth just to “eat, drink and be merry.” You came knowing full well your responsibilities. You came to get for yourself a mortal body that could become perfected, immortalized, and you understood that you were to act in partnership with God in providing bodies for other spirits equally anxious to come to the earth for righteous purposes. And so you will not postpone parenthood. There will be rationalists who will name to you numerous reasons for postponement. Of course, it will be harder to get your college degrees or your financial start with a family, but strength like yours will be undaunted in the face of difficult obstacles. 

“Have your family as the Lord intended. Of course it is expensive, but you will find a way, and besides, it is often those children who grow up with responsibility and hardships who carry on the world’s work. And, John and Mary, do not limit your family as the world does. I am wondering now where I might have been had my parents decided arbitrarily that one or two children would be enough, or that three or four would be all they could support, or that even five would be the limit; for I was the sixth of eleven children. Don’t think you will love the later ones less or have few material things for them. Perhaps like Jacob, you might love the eleventh one most. Young people, have your family, love them, sacrifice for them, teach them righteousness, and you will be blessed and happy all the days of your eternal lives.“ (Ensign, June 1975)

Many people do not think that it matters if they decide not to have children, and that it doesn’t affect anyone else. However, it very much matters how many children my husband and I choose to have. The part of the quote that spoke to me the most was when he said, in reference to our premortal selves, "...you understood that you were to act in partnership with God in providing bodies for other spirits equally anxious to come to the earth for righteous purposes." The whole point of the plan of happiness is to come to this earth and gain experience and learn to be obedient so that we may live with our families for eternity with God. We chose to come to earth, and here we are, at this very moment, and we are gaining experience. We have the responsibility, not only to make sure we do the best that we can personally while on this earth, but that we provide the opportunity for more of God's "anxious" children to have an earthly experience. So yes, it does matter how many children my husband and I choose to have, and it does affect people besides just me. It affects the spirit children who are so excited to come to this earth to gain a body. Who am I to deny them of that opportunity? So I will have children. I will have as many children as God will bless me with; however many children he has planned for my husband and me to bring into this world.

Not only does God want us to raise many of his children, he wants us to raise them in righteousness. In the Doctrine and Covenants, section 93 verse 40, it says, “But I have commanded you to bring up your children in light and truth.” Let’s be honest for a moment… Being a mother is a scary thing. I am scared for it. I am going to be responsible for a select number of God’s children, and he expects me to raise them right. He expects me to do my best in teaching them how to love one another, how to be obedient, and, in turn, how to become honorable mothers and fathers to their children. It’s a lot of responsibility to place on a couple of clueless kids (I feel like I’m clueless, at any rate). But I know that if I put forth my best effort, the Lord will bless me. He’ll totally bless my husband and I in our journey of parenthood.

Well! There you have it. Those are a couple of my thoughts on parenting. Enough about me, what are your thoughts on parenthood?