Rules and Roles

Have you ever gone to a party with one group of friends, then gone to another party with a different group of friends, and you acted completely different at the second party than at the first? Have you ever met someone, and not been quite comfortable in the situation you were in, then every time you see that person you get the same uncomfortable feeling, like you can't open up and be yourself ever since that first time you met? I feel like most people have had both of these experiences. We all play different roles in our different areas of life. We act differently at church than we do at home with our families. We may act different at school than we do in the grocery store. We don't necessarily change personalities or who we are; we simply change roles.

When I would experience this as a high schooler, I used to wonder if maybe I was being fake in one situation, or if I wasn't being true to myself all the time, or if I even had any idea who I was or who I wanted to be. That may have been a little more true then, but the truth of the matter is, I was playing different roles depending on what I felt was expected of me in different situations, and that is still happening in my life. It happens in everyone's lives. This is a little phenomenon we like to call Homeostasis. It's when we play certain roles depending on what is expected of us, and those roles usually stay the same in the different circumstances.

Going along with that, the way that I act also keeps others in their certain roles; the way I treat people makes them respond in a certain way, which makes me keep treating them the same way I already had been. Our expectations of each other are pretty set, and that keeps the response circle going. Isn't that interesting? This explains so much about my life.

When I think about my life now, a lot of my roles in different places are the same. I usually play the part of the happy-go-lucky kind of girl that laughs easily and that wants to meet more people. The more the merrier. I feel like those are the expectations I have set up for myself, and that I have caused others to expect from me. However, in high school I was much more shy, unless I was comfortable with the people I was around. When I was in a more reserved mood and I met someone, every time after that that I saw them, I would revert back to my shy, quiet little girl self. And, on the flip side, if I met someone when I felt more confident and crazy, it was easy for me to be that person the next time I saw them. It all depended on what I expected them to expect, and what they did expect. When they met me, I was shy, so they treated me like I was shy. It goes in a circular motion and it's hard to break out of. In my classes at college, if I start the semester off not really talking to anyone, I usually end the semester in that one class not talking to anyone. Then in my next class, it is a different environment with different people, and I play a different role in that class, like maybe the class clown. I'm not changing who I am, I'm changing roles.

This is so apparent in families. In my family, we each have a role. We expect certain things of each other, and this encourages more of the same behavior from each member, whether it is positive or negative. Let's play a little game called, Try and Change Your Role. See how your family members treat you or respond to you in order to keep you playing your normal role. It's not a conscious thing, but it will happen. Play around with it, have some fun. Things could get interesting.