Increase the Light.

Every one of us has been on the receiving side and the sending side of a biting remark. And while we may feel like the person deserved our caustic comment, it never leaves us feeling good; not about them or ourselves or the situation as a whole. What is even more sad is that it has become the norm in our society to grow up believing that we must treat strangers with extreme respect, but that it is acceptable to treat the people we love the most in a demeaning way. Do you see anything wrong with this trend? We live with the people who know us the best, who love us the most, who want the best for us, and it is alright to treat them with disdain? Something needs to change. I have experienced this first hand, and it is not something that I am proud to say I was a part of.

When I was younger and living at home, all of my siblings had moved out of the house accept for my younger brother and me. I am not sure how, but he knew exactly what to say and what to do to get under my skin. And I'll admit, I was not a patient older sister, and, yes, we had some intense brawls. I would say things that I would never say to anyone else. I was demeaning and belittling. I would not make time for him or give him the loving attention that any brother desperately needs from his older sister. So I would fight him and wonder why he couldn't just leave me alone to live my sad existence. It came to me after one of our especially intense arguments. I was in my room, and I was fuming. What was his deal, anyway? After I had cried and screamed, I eventually began to calm down. While laying on my bed, I began to think. I thought about my little brother. My good little brother, Ben. I thought about my older brothers and sister and how much I admire them and watch for their example that I can follow. I thought about the things I had said to Ben. Then I thought about my role as an older sister and how much Ben must look up to me and respect me. It hit me that I was very undeserving of his respect and admiration. How my words and actions of insolence must cut and carve at his little self-image. How biting and bruising to his sense of worth. How could I do such things to his child-like heart; I'm sure I had broken it more than once. But he kept coming back to me. He kept returning, searching for my affection. I couldn't bear to think that I could do such a thing to my own little brother, who I should be protecting and teaching and loving. This was the first time I had thought about the effect that my words were having on him, and I was disgusted by what I had let slide out of my mouth. At that very moment, I decided to change. I wanted to build, not break. I want to uplift, not tear down.

From that moment on, I tried to do those things. I wanted to do them for Ben. I tried to stop thinking about my inconveniences and my desires, and focus more on being a good sister. Our relationship has grown immensely since then. I still am so amazed at his forgiving sprit. To this day, when I hear the story of Christ being asked how many times should we forgive and he said seventy times seven, I think of Ben. My actions and my words have changed our relationship. I can't even describe how much I love and respect Ben. I am so grateful that he stayed by me, that he never gave up on me.

I love the verses in Ephesians 4:26-27, 29-32. They mention the kinds of words we should use and the manor in which we should use them.

"[Can ye be] angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:

"Neither give place to the devil. . . .

"Let no corrupt [tainted, impure, demeaning, manipulative] communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.

"And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.

"Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:

"And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you."

Words effect others more than we can know. It is better to think before we lash out with out words, to give people the benefit of the doubt, and to try to see things from others' points of views. We will never regret responding with a kind word, but will always regret the critical response.

I just heard a quote from Mother Teresa that I loved. She said,

"Words which do not give the light of Christ increase the darkness."

 

I don't know about you guys, but I am tired of increasing the darkness. No one will benefit from that. I will think about the repercussions that my words could have before I say them, and I will get into the habit of lifting, complementing, and loving. Doing this won't only give others the confidence they deserve, but it will also give me the strength that I need and want.

 

Choose to increase the light.

Danger and Opportunity

Every family will experience some form of crisis throughout their lives together. Some of these events may include bankruptcy, the death of a child, the death of a parent, the loss of a job, and many others. However, the effect that these crises have on a family depends on how they choose to view the situation. They can either let the calamity pull their family apart, or they can depend on each other throughout their predicament, and allow the event to have positive effects on their family in the long run.

The Japanese symbol for 'Crisis' is made up of two symbols.

 

Crisis = Danger + Opportunity

The symbol for 'Danger' symbolizes something hard that a family experiences, and the symbol for 'Opportunity' tells us that the crisis is a chance for the family to take the experience and run with it. It is a chance for them to learn and grow; a chance to become even closer as a family than they were before the calamity.

There are specific things we can do to turn a crisis into an experience for our betterment, instead of something that we may never recover from.

     1. During a crisis, a family can depend on the support of others. It would be extremely difficult to go through most crises alone. A family should seek out friends' support, the help of ecclesiastical leaders, and of relatives and neighbors. This will help the community become closer, and it will assist the family to know that they do not have to suffer, nor pull themselves through the hardship alone.
    
     2. Next, a family should talk openly about their experiences with each other. A lot of emotional festering can happen when feelings are not shared. It makes time for assumptions and blame to occur between the family members. When the members of the family feel like they can share their feelings openly, it leads to better understanding and love. Each member will know that they are not alone in feeling certain emotions. This will bring the family closer to one another, and help ease the burden of their suffering.

     3. The most important way to cope with a life-changing crisis is for the family to change their values and perspectives to see the fuller picture. The difficult event can either be seen as a thing that has destroyed their lives as a family, or it can be seen as a learning experience. The family can begin to ask different questions. Instead of asking 'Why did this awful things have to happen to us?', they can ask 'What can we learn from this experience?' Our thoughts effect every aspect of our lives more than I think most people realize. Because of the way our brains work, we can only view things in accordance with our emotional state. Decide to take control of your thoughts, and see things with a new light. View the experience in terms of a learning opportunity. Then take it one step at a time, together.

We can decide now what we will do when these situations occur. Choose to draw upon your resources. Choose to reach out to your family during these times, and support each other. Use these opportunities for the betterment of your family. Good things can, and will ensue.

*Greener Grass*

Marriage takes effort. There is no way to keep  your love thriving if you don't give energy and time to your spouse and to their happiness. It is easy to become complacent, and when this happens, many people find themselves looking for that love and support in other places. Infidelity can easily creep in, even when the person involved does not realize it. Infidelity is not only physical; it is emotional as well. It usually starts out as emotional, then can lead to physical infidelity if not stopped soon enough.

Notice where you are investing most of your energy. BE AWARE and consciously invest that energy in your spouse, or, like I said before, you will begin to look for other places to invest time and effort. In the book The Marriage Garden, by James Marshall, he has the quote,

"In marriage, the grass grows greener on the side of the fence you water most."

 

'Water' your marriage. Find ways to invest in your spouse. Everyone has crazy schedules, but be sure to set apart a specific amount of time, a specific time every day, to spend with your spouse, and to have meaningful conversation with them. It takes effort and a willing, selfless heart.

 

I read an article in my Family Relations class called "Infidelity: Protecting our Marriages" by Scott Gardner and Christian Greiner. They give four ways to prevent infidelity.  

 

     1) Be on your guard. Many newly wed couples believe that because they have a temple marriage that they don't have to work at it because it is already celestial. To this, they say, " A temple marriage does not guarantee a celestial marriage, or even a pleasant one. No matter who we are, where we were married, how much we love each other, or what church calling we have, we must always be on guard against affairs."

 

     2) Be FIERCELY loyal to one another. Satan attacks subtly, with a little here and a little there. Don't develop online friendships. Don't ride alone in a car with a coworker. These little things can and will eventually lead to larger things. Setting boundaries, and letting others know of those boundaries, while it can be awkward, will be infinitely better than trying to repair a marriage.

 

     3) Control your thoughts. Keep yourselves for each other in mind and body and spirit. Do not let your thoughts wander. Keep yourselves busy with good, uplifting things. Elder Maxwell said, "Keep anxiously engaged in good things, for idleness has a way of wrongly insisting again and again that it is ourselves we must think of pleasing." This will prevent selfishness in our marriages.

 

     4) Put your spouse first. In Doctrine and Covenants 42:22 it says, "Thou shalt love thy wife with all the heart, and shalt cleave unto her and NONE else." Notice that it doesn't say "no one" else. It says "none." This can also include extracurricular activities, games, other people, or work. Cleave to your spouse above all else. This is divine, and the only way to truly have a happy and successful marriage.

 

Marriage is the one most important thing a person can accomplish in this life. It is hard. It takes work and love and selflessness. It takes work. Did I mention that it takes a bunch of work? We must always be on our guard against infidelity, and put our spouse before all else. After your relationship with God comes your relationship with your spouse; it is important to work as hard as possible to build a strong and lasting relationship, and when you do you will have so much joy. Make people wonder and wish that they could have what you have in their own relationships. Love what you have.

Determine to Change Hearts.

"I don't like such-and-such about my spouse to be, but when we get married I'll change him/her." This statement almost makes me chuckle a little, but it definitely is something that makes you worry about this couple and their future together. How detrimental it would be, to your self-image and to the level of trust you have in your spouse, if you knew that they had the intentions of changing who you are and the way you do things as soon as you seal the deal. Having this sort of mind-set does not bring happiness or marital satisfaction to either of the spouses.

Many people think that they will be HAPPY if they can change their spouse. However, the research shows that this is an incorrect way of thinking. Looking at the things that you want to change about your partner can only bring disappointment and frustration, and let's face it, it will create even more of that negativity between the two of you. This study has shown that for couples who are well on their way down the path to divorce have 10 areas of difference and disagreement in their marriage. It also shows that happily married couples have 10 areas of difference and disagreement. Wait, what? That's right, they both have the same amount of difference between the two of them. So then what is the difference between the HAPPY couples and the unhappy couples? The HAPPY couples accept and accommodate. The unhappy couples reject and refute. The HAPPY support and strengthen. The unhappy degrade and devalue. There is an obvious difference between the two and the way they see and treat one another.

The funny thing is, I don't know of a single person who is not already aware of their own faults; come on, they're the easy ones to pick out. Your partner, or anyone for that matter, will not be inspired to change and be better when all they can focus on are their bad qualities being pointed out to them. The qualities that people need help to see, and to be aware of in themselves, are their good qualities, the qualities that make them stand out as an individual, and the traits that make the person easy to love. For some reason, these good characteristics can be hard to point out to yourself. Tell people about their strengths, and those are the things that will become augmented in their lives and in their relationships. This helps people feel accepted and loved, and that they are a person of worth.

To go along with this, it is incredibly important to be grateful. Let your spouse know that you are grateful for them. Let your friends and family know you appreciate them.

Couples who show gratitude are happier.

When a person looks for things to be grateful for, they actually appreciate those things more. It's kind of like circular causality: If you are grateful, say thank you, and if you would like to feel more gratitude, begin by saying thank you. It will be helpful to yourself and to your spouse, and to the relationship in general.

These are the things of a HAPPY life, whether you are married or single, young or old, male or female: Gratitude, acceptance, encouragement, love, personal peace, respect, forgiveness, understanding. Let your family and friends know you feel these things for them, because you do, even if it is covered up by negativity and doubt. Throw that negativity out as fast as you possibly can, and begin to feel true joy.

Let's discontinue focusing on changing our loved ones, and instead determine to change hearts.

Determine to change hearts.

Now go, and allow yourself to be HAPPY.

The Three P's of Dating.

How would you define a date? I use the three P's: Planned, Paired off, and Paid for. A date is one on one time that helps prepare people for marriage. Effort needs to be put into the date, and dating provides commitment practice (not that you have to be committed after a single date, don't let me freak you out).

The roles of a husband parallel the three P's of dating.

                    Paired off - Protect

                    Planned - Preside

                    Paid for - Provide

Following the three P's of dating provides practice for a man for when he becomes a husband. It also allows a woman to practice nurturing for when she gets married, by supporting the man in what he decides to do on a date, and in other ways. A man and a woman help refine each other while going on dates, and they practice making decisions together as equals. 

It is important for a girl to notice how a man protects, presides, and provides while dating, because he will have the same habits when he gets married, and it is important for a guy to notice how well the girl nurtures while on the date, because she will do the same things after she gets married as well. All these things are easier to practice while dating, as opposed to practicing them after getting married. This is why dating is so important for young adults. These are skills that can only be learned through dating, and that cannot be accomplished through just hanging out in a group. 

So buck up, and ask someone out.

Another quality that is SUPER important to develop before marriage is TRANSPARENCY. 

Transparency is speaking what you are thinking. 

So many people think that their partner should automatically know what they are specifically thinking, which causes so much drama and contention, compared to if they would just tell them what they are expecting and thinking and wanting. 

Don't play games. Say what you think, because it really is OK. Develop this trait and things will run so much smoother in all of  your relationships.